Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
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[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
It’s actually Dr. whatever