another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
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TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
let’s discuss
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.