Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
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This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Breaking news:
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
⛄️
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Before & after 😅
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.