Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
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I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Merry Christmas
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.