*googles how the hell I ended up here*
You Might Also Like
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.