Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
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Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
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BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.