“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
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date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
every. time.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom