Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
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her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
i was baptized in a car wash
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?