@valentinebaby82: Answering all the 'how r u' DM's with 'I got my period' is going surprising well
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@KentWGraham: My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
@TedInModeration: Dude on the street corner was like $5 for a sandwich? And he didn't even have a sandwich is why I have trust issues
@Reverend_Scott: [first date] "So, I heard you work at the circus." [shallows bread stick whole] Nope. "You sure about that?" [chewing on glass] Yup
@TheBeerGuy_: Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.