Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
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If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
this could fix me
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Comparing yourself to others
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
secret recipe
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.