Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
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Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.