[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
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The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread