*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
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[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*