*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
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The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
you will never know the true number of layers
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I’m not wrong
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.