*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
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Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.