[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
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If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Bruh PLEASE
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I have never related to a cat more
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.