@neverknownfacts: Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

@thejamietighe: Coworker: What book you reading there? Me: 'How To Kidnap A Coworker' CW:... Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

@deardilettante: [hits you in the face with newspaper] "Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars."

@AGreaterMonster: If cupcakes could talk, boy, there sure would be a lot of screaming in my house.

@ArfMeasures: [Tim Burton tries baseball] COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now T: Yes C: Ok. Pitch T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De- C: I'm gonna kill him