@DaddyJew: What the hell do you mean Buzzfeed isn't a reliable news source, it knew exactly what kind of pancake I'd be

@UncleDuke1969: [doorbell] "Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?" "You have cookies?" "No, sir I-" "Come back when you have cookies." *closes door*

@indecision: New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

@ClearlyUnwell: I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.

@JediGigi: M-I can't go. My Ewok is sick. H-Gigi that's a stuffed animal. M- H- M-Crap. I think you're right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.