@Parkerlawyer: 6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, "Why are you SO FAT?" Me, "You're inside my tummy." 6, "That's DISGUSTING." Me, "It gets worse.."

@RxitWounds: OPEN UP THIS IS THE COPS What's the magic word? [Cut to them back at the station writing on a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

@shutupmikeginn: I'm thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I'm eating cereal.

@animaldrumss: Jesus: Those were the times when I carried you son Me: And when the vending machine ate my dollar? Jesus: That time you bought me a Snickers

@InternetHippo: *phone rings* SATAN: Hey I bought your soul on Craigslist last week? ME: No returns SATAN: Please. It's making me sad