*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
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It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
this is me
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.