[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
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Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.