[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
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The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.