@CornOnTheGoblin: [answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news...HOW contagious?
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@WilliamAder: We're throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the "party" isn't the surprise.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: 🎶 You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why. Life gets worse when you're an adult. 🎶
@Vodkantots: When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
@TheMichaelRock: Boss: Anyone have anything else to add to this meeting? Me: Yes. I am awesome. Boss.... Me: Write that shit down.