Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
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[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.