Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
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yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion