Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
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6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz