ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
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Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I think this cat is broken
Are we there yet?…
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
😅😅😅
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
.
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I still have Pringles?
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.