[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
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Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
This could be us but you eatin’
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha