Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
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It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
SF is the wild wild west man
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream