Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

[White Castle]

YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.

ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

That’s incredible! 👌

proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.