“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
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I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Order here:
More here:
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
58.