I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
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The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?