Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
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up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park