My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
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roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don鈥檛 want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren鈥檛 we all, haha, I鈥檒l just try to go about my business, okay no she鈥檚 definitely biting me
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I鈥檓 just crossing my fingers that they won鈥檛 make me stand up.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I鈥檓 good.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
It鈥檚 not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It鈥檚 not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I鈥檒l show myself out*
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
everyone make a new friend so you don鈥檛 get assigned to David
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
饾槢饾槱饾槩饾樀 judge.
Client: What鈥檚 wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn鈥檛 like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.