My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
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[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*