@LeanneMacco: Any governments / terrorist groups looking to rule by fear should get some tips from spiders.
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@Quadricycle: [At restaurant] I'm so hungry I could eat a horse! But I'm on a diet so... [To waiter] Do you have diet horse?
@Where__wolf: *covers kids eyes* "Hey Billy, guess who?" "Dad!" "Nope" "I knw its u dad. I know ur voice" "Its not ur dad" "Stop jking" "Ur adopted"
@JohnFugelsang: I can't wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
@abhorrent_wife: Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it's frosting.