We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
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Me trying to walk in a dream
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.