Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
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After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?