Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
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DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
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If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.