any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
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Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.