Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
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This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
それは草
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*