@DanMentos: Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
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@prontopup: "OMG IT'S RAINING A LITTLE BIT AND NOW I'VE FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING I'VE EVER KNOWN!!!" - Drivers, apparently.
@JasonLastname: Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you're now working at Subway. You're a submarine.
@SaraMansford: A wine tasting? Where people SPIT OUT precious wine?! Sure, maybe we could go to the humane society and watch them put puppies to sleep too.
@markleggett: Whenever a woman tells me that she just wants to have a good time and sleep with me, I say "You can only pick one."