Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
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*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn