Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
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Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)