[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
You Might Also Like
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.