Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
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Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free