I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
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“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
🤣🤣🤣
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed