Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
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I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Thrilling chase underway
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.