Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
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The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.