Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
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It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
DOOO EEEET
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt