@pleatedjeans: Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
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@AnOrangeSNES: [Commercial for narrators] Narrator: Don't you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
@novicefather: I enjoy jogging in the mountains because nature is beautiful and cardiac arrest excites me.
@Tmoney68: [Bar] Friend: I'm just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me. Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
@bornmiserable: My greatest fear is that I'll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me