@pleatedjeans: Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
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@EliTerry: "looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points" - commentators on my snowboard run
@fro_vo: Hillary: if we aren't careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in Clinton Aide: *opens door* Sink: sorry i'm late
@KeetPotato: [at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking] "YOU NEED TO LEAVE" me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: "I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS"
@lovemydogduck: I will be tweeting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.