@AmandaDuberman: Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
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@FoxyWinePocket: Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast? Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some? Son: NO. I hate casserole. Me (whispers): I know...
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: (God creating coyotes) God: Make them look like dogs. Angel: Exactly like dogs? God: But with a meth problem.
@RexHuppke: When the priest says "Body of Christ" I say "Thanks, I've been working out." Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
@Jam453Lane: They always say to follow your gut, that's why this is my 11th trip to the fridge for another beer.