@AmandaDuberman: Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
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@lazerdoov: I can't prove God isn't real, but at the same time, I can't prove that my dog doesn't run a violent Asian street gang while I'm asleep.
@AristotlesNZ: Cop failed me on the sobriety test even tho I not only touched my nose like he asked but went on & totally nailed the rest of the macarena.
@Brampersandon_: GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go! ME: It ... was ... nice ... knowing ... you
@NicestHippo: [high school sex ed class] *scoffs* When are we ever going to use this in real life