Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
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me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.