Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
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i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Meat Cute
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.