Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
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Adultry does not sound fun at all
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Don’t tell me what to do
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.