Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
You Might Also Like
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?