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@BoogTweets: Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
@drankturpentine: ME: *tries to sneakily pee in pool*
LIFEGUARD: sir get off the diving board
@dafloydsta: WIFE: Where's the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
@ImLeslieChow: When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.
@bacon_gillepic: No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet