Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
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When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.