*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
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Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
😂🤣😂🤣
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
New Tinder profile.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?