Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
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Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I’m not lazy
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.