Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
You Might Also Like
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
my first day as a raccoon
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
This took me a second..
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.